


Gentleman Jack: Reflections

by my_morning_straightjacket



Category: Anne Lister/Ann Walker - Fandom, Gentleman Jack, Gentleman Jack (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:54:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28380519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_morning_straightjacket/pseuds/my_morning_straightjacket
Summary: Anne Lister reflects on her time with Ann Walker where she cannot deny herself of her feelings any longer, bringing about a conflict within herself, which she cannot control.
Relationships: Ann Walker/Anne Lister, Anne Lister (1791-1840) & Ann Walker (1803-1854), Anne Lister (1791-1840)/Ann Walker (1803-1854), Anne Lister/Ann Walker
Kudos: 25





	Gentleman Jack: Reflections

I lie awake in bed next to Mariana who has her leg flung across mine and her face nuzzled in my shoulder. I am currently in London. I check my watch and it is twenty-two minutes past midnight but I cannot sleep. I close my eyes but every time I do I see her - Miss Walker. I open my eyes again to avoid it but my mind thinks of her regardless. Throughout this trip, I cannot seem to rid Miss Walker of my thoughts. Not an hour goes by where I do not think of her. I miss her terribly. I never thought that I would have grown as fond of her as I have. The thought and realisation are unnerving but also… intriguing. However, I find myself despising the feeling. I wish to be rid of all this madness and distracting thoughts. I feel as if I’m going mad. I have never felt this way about anybody in my life before and how is one supposed to live a supposedly normal life when another is constantly invading one’s thoughts? Cognitive processes seem to fail me when I think of her. When I am with her I feel not like myself. When we are intimate, I experience an out of body experience that I rejoice in.

I am traveling with the sole purpose to forget about her and move on with my life but here I am, in the middle of the night, lying next to a woman who I love not, thinking about her - Miss Walker. I cannot begin to express what effect that woman has had on me. She has this omnipotence over me and I am powerless in myself to stop her. The most interesting and salient point is that she has absolutely no idea that she holds this power over me. I have never shared such a connection with another. Every woman I have been with has been pleasurable in itself but is hardly thought about in the future. My heart has been crushed many times by different women but nothing compares to what Miss Walker has inflicted on me. I am yet to understand how she can have little to no awareness of what she has done to me.

I lie next to Mariana and for the first time, I do not wish for her company. I do not wish to be sharing a bed with her. I am uncomfortable experiencing her touch. The euphoria of being connected with her was nothing and IS nothing compared to that of what I experienced with Miss Walker. I am unable to face Marianna when we are under such circumstances. I do not long for her touch as I once did. I enjoy the caresses of women but not as much as I enjoy it from Miss Walker. I admit that the caresses of other women were gratifying but only for a certain amount of time. I do not long for it - I never have longed for it as I did with Miss Walker.

I often position Marianna facing away from me, preferably in the dark. It is not that I do not find her beautiful but I do not have the want nor desire to see her. I also have no such desire to spend the night with her but she has fallen asleep and after everything that I have endured with Miss Walker, I do not wish to dismiss Marianna as easily as I have in the past. I have never relished in the touch of another human being as I have Miss Walker. My previous connections with women have only been brief. I do not stay and I do not let them stay. I plan my encounters with women so I am in a position to leave without having the burden of having them at my own residence. I have always kept to that rule, even if I planned to wed Vere and Marianna. I thought at one point that I did love them but I was gravely mistaken. I have not felt such a connection with them as I have with Miss Walker.

Beginning to explain what Miss Walker has done to me seems impossible. I have never taken a slow pace with a woman. I have never altered my plans for a woman. I have never kissed them patiently. I have never connected with them under their circumstances. I have never stayed the night. I have never slept beside them in their own bed. I have never held them in my arms. I have never woken up with them still in my arms. I have never longed to stay the night. Miss Walker has endless explaining to do but yet, I cannot hold her accountable since she knows not what she does to me. Whenever I see the girl, she always manages to unhinge me.

_“Stay tonight… Please, stay tonight… Don’t leave me… Stay all night… Promise me you’ll stay tonight…”_

The words run through my head and how I wish to be rid of those memories of her begging me to stay, I have no power to erase them from my mind. I have tried to convince myself on multiple accounts that I care not for her and that she was just apart of a game but deep inside me… I fear that I am incorrect in thinking such lies.

_“It appears, Miss Lister, that you have my niece quite under your spell…”_

_“Oh? I’d like to think that she has me under hers…”_

The smile on Miss Walker’s face was something that has stuck with me since that conversation with her aunt. I had never seen her so vibrant and alive. She was simply beautiful during our time in York. She was a different person once we departed. I had never realised what she had done to me until now. I have never thought I would have grown so fond of her as I do now. I have never felt this strongly towards another until now. I once believed that my intense feelings for Vere and Marianna were love but now I am at a loss for words. However, the only thing I can conclude is that the love I feel for Miss Walker is indeed real. I feel as if a part of me is absent - as if it has been stolen from me and I know where exactly where it is - in the hands of Miss Walker.  
As soon as I laid my eyes upon her beauty, I knew there was something different about her. Yes, Miss Walker certainly has issues in regards to the brain but none of which cannot be cured. I believe with the right help, Miss Walker has the ability to make a full recovery. The woman is sweet, caring, compassionate, and loving. I have never met a kinder soul as I have Miss Walker.

Marianna talks about Miss Walker with such disdain and disgust it angers me. Numerous times I have come close to snapping at her but I do not give her that pleasure. I was prepared to spend the rest of my days with Marianna until she married Charles and yet here she is degrading, belittling, and being cynical about Miss Walker. She has yet to meet Miss Walker however, she makes assumptions and becomes nasty. Her attitude does not suit her and does not look good on her by any means - it is quite unattractive - but she fails to recognise her own childish and parochial behaviour. Giving her the title of “precious” makes my blood boil. Yes, Miss Walker is precious but not in the same way Marianna is describing her. She knows nothing of Miss Walker but speaks as if she does.

How I long to be with Miss Walker again. I am uncomfortable to admit it but I cannot deny my feelings any longer. I still have a difficult time accepting the true nature of my feelings. I long to be with her and converse with her. I long to see her smile and hear her joyous laughter. I long to kiss her. I long to be intimate with her. I long to have her fall asleep in my arms. I wish I could fully comprehend what she has done to me but I find myself going in circles and arguing with myself when I try to understand such complexities.

I check my watch again and see that the time is now one o’clock in the morning. Time flies by when I think of Miss Walker. I get lost in my own little world. I wish I had the ability to switch off when my mind drifts to her but unfortunately, I do not possess that ability. Despite having the deepest desire to wake Marianna and dismiss her from my bed, I do not have the strength to do so since I know she will mention Miss Walker and I do not wish to argue further about the woman if I can help it. Instead, I push Marianna off of me, causing her to groan and roll onto the other side of the bed and more importantly, away from me. I roll onto my side so my back is facing hers and I close my eyes. To no surprise, I see Miss Walker and I wish to escape from her in my dreams but I only meet her there. We are happy and we are married as we travel widely together but I know my dreams can never become a reality. Miss Walker will never be mine, and that is the consequence I have to endure for the foolish choice of falling for her and the worst part is that I fear that I will never learn.


End file.
